Friday, May 11, 2018

On Inner Peace and Progress

Every so often, it occurs to me that I'm actually a lot more satisfied with myself and my life than I tend to think I am most of the time. It's pretty much impossible to sell me things I don't really want or need and I don't fall for the same bullshit schemes other people seem to lap up just like it's mother's milk. I don't wish I was a different person or dream of living a radically different life one day. Not anymore. There's definitely always room for improvement, of course, but I'm also pretty content with who I am and with how I fill my days. Anything I'm not currently satisfied with is either temporary or something I'm actively working to change for myself.

My recent disenchantment with so many of my old friends has found me trying to make some new ones that share some of my current interests and values. I found a few Facebook groups to join and contribute to that seemed promising. I've also been attempting to actually talk to people that seem personable. As a result, I've had a few superficial "let's get to know each other" chats with some new folks I've met and I've noticed something about the way I speak about myself and my life. I speak with confidence and pride about my accomplishments, my relationship, and the person I've worked hard to become. That's a far cry from how I used to talk about myself in the now distant past -- very carefully, as I was constantly worried that the truth of my life would seem as pathetic to other people as it did to me.

I'm not sure when or how it happened, but at some point I guess I stopped pretending I like myself and started actually liking myself. I'm proud of how honest, spiritually grounded, and responsible I've become over the years. I'm proud of the fact that I'm no longer settling for ho-hum relationships with boring, embarrassing men I don't actually care about or, worse, feel ashamed to be associated with. I'm very proud of the way I can say with complete candidness and confidence that I'm a full-time professional writer that can feed her family thanks to her skill with words. It's been fun to see how impressed new acquaintances are when I talk about what I do and what I'm into as a result. It's like seeing myself through fresh eyes and truly being able to say I like what I see. 

In other news, I deleted my LiveJournal this morning. I posted a final entry stating my intentions a couple of weeks ago along with a few links to other places I could be found in the future if people were actually interested in continuing to know me. I figure that if folks haven't taken me up on my offer to follow me one or more of those places by now, then they simply don't care enough about keeping in touch with me for me to be bothered any further. So as of now, I'm gone from there. Free at last.

It does feel a bit odd though. Even though my journal there hasn't been active in many years at this point, actually deleting it closes a pretty major chapter in my life for good. LiveJournal was the catalyst for many serious changes in my life. The choice to start writing there was directly responsible for my later decision to start my business and become a professional writer. It's where Seth and I met many years ago when I was still married to my ex. Most importantly, seeing myself through the eyes of the people that once read and loved my writing there showed me that I was so much more than the unremarkable, unimportant little Macy's salesgirl my ex-husband and family saw when they looked at me. That was then and this is now though, so it's time to let go.

Next order of business is to go through my friends lists on the rest of my social media and scrub it clean of anyone else I really no longer want to know. I don't want to know any more losers, or mooches, or sad little excuse makers with no self-esteem. I only want to associate with people that lift me up, inspire me, or make my life better than it otherwise would be.