Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Past the Equinox

It's finally starting to feel a little bit like fall around these parts and I'm definitely relieved. We tend to have our warmest weather of the year around the same time it's actually starting to cool off everywhere else, but as always, I hoped maybe it wouldn't happen this year. Instead we wound up having an absolutely horrible heat wave that started just before Labor Day weekend and continued for a couple of weeks afterward.

We're not just talking hot weather by my standards either. Pretty much anyone would probably think temps of over 100 degrees are excessive, especially if you don't have air conditioning and double-especially in this particular part of California. I legitimately felt like I was going to die or go crazy at one point. Honestly, it's still a little too warm for my taste, but thanks to the way it's been getting so cool at night lately, I don't really feel it too much as long as I stay in the house.

At times it even feels downright autumnal and I can't help but feel like doing fall things when that happens. I couldn't (and didn't) work much while it was at its hottest, but I'm slowly getting back to being my productive self. I'm having ideas again (although I've yet to do much with any of my newer ones). I've picked things back up with some video courses I started a while back because I missed my Hitchcock class from July so much. I've been listening to some new music and reading regularly again. I even baked a few things -- banana bread, a very experimental loaf of pumpkin spice bread, and some peanut butter cookie brownies for Seth's birthday last week. It's been nice not feeling like I died in my sleep one night and woke up in Hell Proper to say the least.

........

In other news, I've sort of been feeling my age lately. For the most part, I love being in my early 40's. I'm definitely growing more eccentric by the day, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I'm also better adjusted, more even-tempered, and more responsible. I actually feel a rush of accomplishment over things like improving my credit or successfully managing a grocery budget, if you can believe that. I'll probably never stop finding that amusing, considering the person I used to be when I was much younger. I know people that used to know me and don't anymore (like my ex-husband) would barely recognize me.

There's an odd sort of emotional tiredness I've been dealing with though. It feels different from the depression and bipolar lows I'm already used to. At this point, I'm well aware of things like my parents getting older and of not having a seemingly unlimited amount of time to do certain things with my life. Maybe this is what people mean when they say they feel world-weary. I'm really not sure.

That's forced me to take inventory a little and re-evaluate some things. I'm well aware that when my parents pass on, I'm likely to still be in this same phase of my life to one extent or another, so I'm having to at least consider responsibilities that might become mine in the near-ish future -- things like probably winding up with a house to pay for and take care of. I've also been thinking about some of those alleged life goals on that very long list I've had going since I was a teenager. I feel like a new chapter will be opening up in my life very soon and I'm not entirely sure whether or not I'm excited about it.

At this point, I think it's pretty safe to say that if certain things had really been that important to me, I would have found a way to move forward with them by now or at least pursue them the way I did with my relationship. There have only been a couple of constants I've remained consistently interested in and active with over the long haul -- my writing, my learning, and my interest in food. Everything else -- art, music, and so much more -- have simply come, gone, perhaps returned for a period of time, and then gone again. Probably best to pour most of my focus into the things I already know come naturally to me and work for me as far as generating at least some sense of personal accomplishment. 

These days, I find it unlikely that I'll ever become a best-selling novelist, but I'm no longer certain I ever truly wanted to be. That sounds like something society probably led me to think I should want if I'm really passionate about being a writer. Really I just want to write and make enough money to maintain a modestly comfortable lifestyle. As long as I have my relationship, as well as things to read and write about plus plenty of free time to enjoy it all, I think I'll be pretty content.