Thursday, October 20, 2016

On October and the Mineral

We lucked out for a change this year. It's the 20th of October and that disgusting Indian summer weather we normally get in the fall still has not arrived. By now, it's probably safe to say that we're out of the woods. Usually if you can make it past Halloween without it hitting, you can trust that there are no more surprise heat waves just waiting to descend on you that year. Honestly, our entire summer was really pretty mild. Just a few way-too-hot days here and there, but that's it. Good.

I've been feeling incredibly lethargic and fresh out of fucks to give regardless though and that's been the case all summer. We already don't really do much or go out very often, but we didn't even go to the fair for Labor Day last month. That's... like... the one going-out thing I've been good about actually doing every year and I skipped out on it for the first time in a while. That means I never really did my hair or spruced myself up from an appearance standpoint either. I look and feel disgusting lately as a result. Kind of like a cave person, or a potato, or something along those lines.

I feel disappointed in myself because of that, but I'm also realizing I'm past the point where I'm willing to just beat myself up all the time because I don't meet some imaginary standard I've decided to inflict on myself for no good reason. I will always want to do better and be better where my mental health is concerned, but I've also learned to give myself credit for the things do accomplish, even when things are really bad. When I remember to do that, everything sort of comes out in the wash.

For instance, I've been a fucking powerhouse at work lately. My schedule is very full as it tends to be this time of year, but it's not overfilled. I'm making excellent money and I actually like pretty much all of my clients right now. I'm no longer working with anyone that I feel doesn't appreciate me or undervalues what I do. It's a nice feeling to have -- validating. I may even be experiencing actual job satisfaction for the first time in my life, which is really a miracle. I never thought I'd see the day.


While we're on the subject of depression. I discovered a new movie to obsess over -- the Lars Von Trier film Melancholia. It addressed mental illness from this incredibly realistic angle. However, it also told a hell of a story and was packed with gorgeous visuals. As I told Seth at the time, this is another one of those stories that I truly wish I had written. It is the kind of story I would really love to write someday if I can ever get back to a place where I feel like I have adequate energy for something other than work. And the entire scenario with the rogue planet was so very similar to actual recurring dreams I've had -- terrifying, but so beautiful at the same time.

I had a lot more to say about this film and how it affected me, as well as another Von Trier film on depression, Antichrist. I just wasn't quite sure what to do with those thoughts at the time. By the time it occurred to me that I could simply express them in my personal blog, the thoughts were no longer clear. At this point, I think I'd like to have a second watching and go back to those thoughts when I'm ready.

In the meantime, I am stoked at having found a new artist to admire and love. And it's one that not only understands depression and mental illness, but is making beautiful movies about it. I've been borderline obsessed with the pretty blue planet that smashes into the earth in the film -- the planet Melancholia shown above in my little GIF there. It's my current Twitter wallpaper, as well as the wallpaper for my phone's lock screen. I feel like I should find the thought of it depressing, but I don't. It actually makes me happy every time I see it. I call it the mineral sometimes for reasons I don't totally understand -- the same thing I call iron when I'm feeling anemic.

It's always so nice when I find a story, a film, a book that sticks in my head this way. So many people lose the ability to feel this sort of wonder over such things. I'm glad that I haven't. It's a gift for sure and one that's helped me immensely when it comes to surviving in this garbage society of ours. As long as art and creativity are alive and well in this world, then I can rest assured that I belong here.