Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Apocalypse Orange

When there are forest fires in the area, it's not uncommon for the smoke to migrate into the surrounding cities, even those that aren't but so close by. Right now, there are fires in Big Sur. That's definitely close enough to have made our skies apocalypse orange for the past couple of days. That photo there is what the view outside our window is like right now. It's not edited or doctored in any way. Everything really does look like it's in sepia tone right now. The colors are all wrong. You can't smell anything but smoke.

I think it's giving me anxiety or something. The orange sky thing was in full effect when I woke up yesterday and wouldn't stop reminding me of Mad Max. (I wound up with an unexpected day off yesterday, as I was waiting for a client to get back to me with details on an assignment. We actually watched Mad Max: Fury Road on HBO.)

I didn't sleep well last night either. Lots of really weird dreams about the end of the world, messed up weather, and so forth -- definitely phobias of mine. I feel really off today as a result, as I do every so often for no real reason. I never know if feelings like that are actually coming from me or if I'm picking them up somehow from other people I know, either offline or online. I wish I had a better understanding of where my emotions actually come from, but I've gotten really used to drawing a blank by now.

........

As far as other things going on, I was recently approached by an author I know on Facebook about being interviewed for her next book. I don't want to get too into the details here on my public blog, but suffice it to say that the book deals with people that are recovering from long-term emotional abuse. I actually met this lady after reading one of her other books last summer and writing to her to thank her, as her writing was incredibly helpful to me when it comes to unpacking some of my baggage from the past. 

I can't even express how honored it makes me feel that I was one of the people chosen for this project, as I really love this author's work. I also feel incredibly validated. The specific type of abuse this deals with has been a huge part of why I've found certain aspects of adult life so difficult. It's also one of the few kinds where it's still socially acceptable to victim-blame the person that's experienced it. I allowed other people to convince me a long time ago that this was my fault as a result, so I've been carrying the damage it caused around with me for many years. 

I honestly don't think I realized how badly I needed someone else (other than Seth and one or two close friends, that is) to simply validate what I was feeling and tell me it wasn't my fault until I read that book and met this author. It was like some huge, poisonous bubble in my chest just burst all of a sudden. It was a lot to process at the time, but I really started to feel like I was turning some kind of corner at the same time. Another instance where I really do feel like God was looking out for me and trying to make sure I was in the right place at the right time.

To have the person that wrote that book think that my personal story is important enough and noteworthy enough to include in another book that I'm sure will be just as helpful to me and others like me feels amazing. I will be anonymous, of course, and I want it that way, as this is a sensitive topic. But still. It's incredibly exciting. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. It's things like this that make me feel like God is better to me than I probably deserve.