Monday, September 22, 2014

At the Threshold of the Fall Equinox

Tomorrow is the equinox, so I guess it will officially be fall at long last. I can't even express how happy that makes me. It's time for cooler weather and nice, long nights. It's time to read Dracula and watch horror movies. It's time for big steaming homemade bowls of stew, and soup, and chili.

Then it will be time for the holidays. Last year, I think I felt like I'd finally made them my own. Not what my family, or my ex-partners, or society thought they should be, but what I felt they should be. It turned out the right approach combines religion with the same fun, cozy traditions Seth and I have developed by ourselves over the years. I am really looking forward to doing that again. My holiday season felt like it had a lot of meaning on more different levels than usual and that's something that's been missing.

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I decided I'm not really going to bother with my high school reunion in October. The main reason is the tickets were prohibitively expensive -- for me with my limited income, anyway -- and I just couldn't justify spending almost $200 for Seth and I to attend something I'm not even sure I care that much about. However, I also really don't think I feel like wasting an entire weekend socializing with people I'm not even close to just so I can say that I did it. As nice as it was to see some of the old peeps at Robert's funeral, the introverted Pisces that I am still kind of couldn't wait to leave. An hour or two of forced social interaction is about all I can realistically expect out of myself these days.

Funny how similar that is to the way I used to feel about school events like dances and such while they were going on. Case in point -- the prom. I didn't even remotely want to go to the prom. I also don't know how many times I heard that one day I'd grow up to be a halfway normal person that deeply regrets not having the prom to look back on. Therefore I should just make myself go. I can tell you right now that at 38 years old, I don't regret my lack of fucks given about the prom or my insistence on missing it one little bit. Same goes for not having a senior photo taken for the yearbook or anything else related to high school. It wasn't important to me then and it's not important to me now.

If anything, I think I'm glad I stuck to my guns and did what I felt was right for me. Somewhere along the way, I lost the ability to do that with any kind of consistency because I let people convince me there was something wrong with the way I am. And now that I've sort of reclaimed my right to establish and maintain my own boundaries, I'm back to not being bothered by the fact that I'm pretty reclusive. I'm relatively friendly online though. If anyone from high school wants to shoot the shit, they know I'm on Facebook.

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Not that I was really doing it specifically for the reunion or anything, but I've been sticking to the program as far as our calorie monitoring goes. I've lost quite a bit of weight over the last three months -- something like 50 pounds. I look and feel much more like my old self again than I have in a long time. Leave it to me to get myself back in some kind of condition to turn heads again and then not really care about doing so. Makes me wonder how much I really cared about that to begin with. 

I guess the weight loss was something I was interested in doing more for myself. I like feeling healthy and attractive instead of like someone that might potentially wind up left in the dust when it comes to life. Plus, even if I don't care about turning heads or impressing anyone from back in the day with how young and pretty I've stayed, I will admit that I like knowing I could if I wanted to.