When I imagine the concept of "freedom" in my head, I always picture myself being the same model citizen and full participant in regards to the outside world that I would be otherwise, only without the need to actually show up at an office day in and day out. In reality though? I get pretty lazy and that laziness only becomes more pronounced as time rolls on.
I'm a homebody at heart, so if work obligations and personal responsibilities don't require me to get out that often, I kind of just... don't. I don't like to dress up for no good reason, so not actually being required to go out most days eventually leads to barely bothering when it comes to fixing myself up at all. I certainly don't bother putting together outfits or putting on make-up most days. Before I know it, I don't even know where my nicer clothes are in the event I do want to go somewhere. Don't even get me started on how out of shape I become if something isn't forcing me to get outside and exercise on a regular basis.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that summer crept up on me again just like it always does and I don't feel ready for it. I don't have a car, so getting out and exploring requires a lot of walking, biking, or bus riding that I just rarely do anymore. Plus, I really don't feel like I have anything to wear or like I look good in what I do have. I used to feel like I looked pretty darned smart when I went out, but these days I tend to feel more like something that crawled out from under a rock and is just visiting the outside world for a while.
I have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, I certainly don't care to go back to being completely overdressed and caked in unnecessary make-up at all times like I was when I still worked an outside job, but I definitely don't like feeling like it takes a big production and a lot of grooming in order to get me ready to attend a simple community event either. I wish I still had a "look" of some sort and at least a few semi-decent outfits to put on if I want to go somewhere or take pictures. I don't care to be some bombshell that turns heads on the street anymore, but I would like to feel like my outsides really match my insides.
I still love my new bright red hair though. I literally smile every time I see it... but it doesn't really look like it belongs with the rest of me. Thankfully it's nothing a couple of inexpensive new dresses, a little make-up, and some purposeful dieting can't fix though. I just need to be less lazy when it comes to that sort of thing is all. However, summer has always been a pretty decent motivator for me when it comes to that particular arena.
I also finally saw my way clear to upgrading my laptop to a newer model with a huge hard drive, a faster processor, and a ton of RAM. I've been due to start thinking seriously about an upgrade probably for the last year or so, but I've been putting it off even though I've been able to afford it. I grew up in an environment that taught me that it's really not OK to spend any of my own hard-earned money on things for myself, but -- as with the whole homebody slug thing -- I'm pretty tired of that. I spend the bulk of my time and energy working, so I deserve to reap the benefits of that once in a while.
I eventually reasoned myself into placing the order by reminding myself that I rely on my computer for work. I also rely on it for a lot of my entertainment -- keeping up with movies, watching television, or playing video games (like The Sims). My old computer just doesn't keep up as well as it once did and it barely runs some of the more complicated games I enjoy. Since I'm not going to be going on vacation or doing anything major this summer, I figure I can at least play around on Second Life or upgrade my Sims game and engage in some virtual adventures, right?