Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Red Hair and the Passage of Time

I haven't been up to all that much, but that's honestly OK with me these days. When I'm straight with myself, I sincerely prefer it when there isn't too much going on and life is ambling on at a relatively slow pace. That was honestly the whole point behind so many of the really big life choices I've made -- leaving my marriage years ago, building a new relationship with the kind of man I've always wanted to be with (a creative, contemplative sort like myself), going freelance, moving back to California -- so I'm not sure why I still sometimes find it so difficult to just relax and let myself enjoy that about life when I have the opportunity.

I'm happy to say that I've been doing at least some of the things I've been saying I wanted to do though instead of simply continuing to talk about them. For instance, I finally got around to dying my hair super-bright red as I mentioned wanting to do. You can sort of see it in this fail-picture from off my phone the other day. (I'm still getting the hang of taking pictures of myself with my touch-screen phone and I really didn't want to just post a shitty webcam pic someplace I already post way too seldom.) At the very least, I'm sure you can see it's much brighter and more vibrant than the dark auburn color I was sporting the last time I posted images of myself here.

I fucking love having hair this color, yo. Crazy-bright hair like this is something I always wanted to try, but never felt I could previously in life. If I didn't have to worry about what my stuffy ex-husband or my parents would have thought of it, I would have had to worry about whether or not my boss approved. These days, I honestly don't have to worry about anyone else's opinion, as my life is mostly populated with people who actually make me feel comfortable being myself. I'm even in a relationship with someone who likes most of the choices I make. It's really nice, actually. Anyway, I'm definitely keeping this for a good long while. It's terrific not to feel so sick of my looks because they've been exactly the same for so long that they no longer feel like "me".

........

I also turned thirty-fucking-seven almost... two weeks ago now, I guess it's been. I know a lot of people say this, but I never thought I'd be viewing the world through the eyes of a 37-year-old and liking what I saw when I look in the mirror and think about the person I'm becoming. I really do though for the most part, despite the fact that all my joints are starting to hurt and I don't have that cute 18-year-old figure anymore. I wouldn't exactly say I'm completely satisfied with my overall level of accomplishment or anything, but for someone who got a really late start in life when it came to finding herself and living the way she wanted to, I think I'm doing OK so far. I definitely think the additional wisdom and experience I've acquired makes up for anything I've lost. Any haters I still have left can seriously just fall back.

The passage of time is is funny though. On one hand, I don't feel any different... but on another, it's like eons have gone by. I'm not old yet by any means, but I've reached the point where some of the people I knew in high school are starting to turn up dead suddenly and that's definitely something that makes me think about how much time has passed. It's a surreal experience to think back on people you used to at least see every day of your life and realize they're not around anymore.

A guy I knew peripherally in high school (and who was actually pretty good friends with some of my friends) died really recently. He was involved in choir, drama, and some other things. I'm not even sure what happened to him, but I guess it doesn't really matter. It's still someone whom I remember from my own past who's gone now. The funeral service is set for mid-April and I'm going with one of my old friends who was close to the deceased. That's... new for me. Not only do I normally avoid funerals like the plague, but I skipped my high school reunion and have only bothered to stay in touch with any of the old crowd through online avenues due to a complete lack of interest in looking back on the past. I'm not exactly sure what made me feel like I might be ready to see everyone again in person, but leave it to me to choose a funeral.