Friday, June 15, 2012

A Life Update and Some Musings

A Jay Named Scrubs
Every so often, I go through these periods where I feel like life is really boring. It's not that I get tired of things all by myself so much as the natural rhythm of life seems to screech to a grinding halt every now and again. Sometimes there are reasons for that feeling -- like lack of financial resources, relationships with others that I'm not happy with, or a job situation that is really busting my balls. Other times, there aren't any particular reasons at all, but rather a general malaise that just sort of drops over things like a shroud. Right now, I think it's a combination of a number of things, so it's complicated.

This seems to happen to me in the summers a lot. Summer is my least favorite season of the four by far and that's probably not surprising to those who actually know me. It's hot and muggy. It's sunny. I hate the sun and I hate heat, so that type of weather really knocks me off of my groove. When I'm in one of my funks or feeling bored with life for whatever reason, it's already difficult to find the motivation to work as hard as I should or be as productive as I want to be. The sun only anesthetizes me further.

I have been feeling the urge to do certain things lately that I consider to be good signs. One of the first things I seem to feel like doing after being depressed or sort of out-of-it for a long time is change my appearance... sometimes drastically. Lately, I've been really chomping at the bit to revamp my look and I have to admit that it's totally time. I don't think I've changed anything major about the way I dress or about my hair since just after college or so. I'm currently going on 37 years old, so... yeah. It's kind of nice to feel that familiar feeling creeping back in.

I want to bleach my hair out and dye it the most shocking shade of unnatural red I can find. I want to throw out half of my clothes (and really I don't wear them anymore anyway) and replace them with comfortable, Bohemian things that actually look like they belong to me. As it is, I basically have a choice between slumming around in big t-shirts and leggings or doing that whole "pretty, pretty princess" schtick that I used to so I could to go to my old job at Macy's and flash fake smiles at people all day long. Neither one of those looks is really me anymore. I don't just want to find myself, I want to figure out how to look like myself on the outside for the first time in a long time.

Flowering Rosemary
I also really want to get out and start doing more things again. The Celtic games have finally moved back to the Monterey Fairgrounds again after having been in Salinas for years and they'll be going on the beginning of July, I believe. I'd really like to take Seth. He's never been to a festival like that or even a Renaissance fair and I know he'd enjoy it. I also feel a strong need to get more exercise, get in better shape... and take more pictures. One must get out once in a while in order to build a truly interesting catalog of pictures!

I think I may have discovered a new hobby I never really figured I'd have in photography, which I touched on briefly over at Creative Cat a while back. I'm not a great photographer by any means (or even a good one), but I'm finding that I no longer have to be astounding at something in order to get enjoyment out of it. When I was younger, I was solely about drawing, sketching, or painting. I didn't like real life very much, so it was hard for me to understand what anyone would see in the act of capturing it through photos. I suppose I only saw the merit in filtering it through ones imagination and -- I thought -- improving upon it. As I age though, I find I have more and more appreciation for the rhythm of daily life... and the fact that my first instinct when I make a really great-looking meal or see a really pretty flower is now to grab my camera phone speaks volumes to me.

I like that I feel my life in general becoming more and more about coming out of myself now and again. Smelling things, tasting things, trying things, and sharing things with others. I think it started when I met Seth and found the first person in this world whom I believe truly loves and accepts me for all of myself and not just a few shiny bits and pieces. It's continued as I've gotten to know more wonderful people and connect in different ways, even over the internet. I'm excited about seeing how that continues into the future.